ME (coming to in a haze): Holy shit, am I dead?
God: You’re not dead. I just needed to talk to you.
ME: Who the fuck are you?
God: I’m God.
ME: Really? I mean…really?
God: Yes, you were wrong. I exist.
ME: Oh, fuck me. How is this possible? There’s no way…
God: Look, I’m not here to convince you that I exist. I’m sitting right in front of you, so that should do the trick.
ME: I must be dreaming…
God: Your not dreaming. Here, I’ll use my powers to convince you (folds his arms and bops his head).
ME: Wow, I’m not dreaming. You’re real.
God: Real as Jonah living in the belly of a whale. Now we’ve got some things to talk about.
ME: What kind of things?
God: Well, you’ve been convincing people that I don’t exist. I’m not too happy about that.
ME: Okay. Point taken. You exist. My bad.
God: Well, I’m glad to hear you so readily admit that. Now go and preach my word.
ME: Hold on a second. Can I ask you a few questions?
God: Hmm, all right, a couple. Don’t take too long though; I’ve got a cancer patient to cure.
ME: Well, it’s just…why all the pain and suffering?
God: That’s your own damn fault!
ME: Who, me?
God: Well, all of you humans. You shouldn’t have sinned.
ME: But you created us. And since you’re omnipotent, you created us knowing that we were going to sin. So how is it our fault? I mean, if you already know everything that’s going to happen ever, how do we even have free will?
God: HA! You humans and your logic. You think that your logic reveals the truth of the universe?
ME: Well, I can’t see any other way. I mean, you created us this way…
God: Your logic is flawed. It’s designed to lead you to lies. Reality does not conform to human logic.
ME: Well, no offense, but why did you create us with a mental system that would lead us to conclude you don’t exist?
God: Because the only way you can be truly saved is through faith.
God: What do you mean, why? That’s just the way it is.
ME: But you’re god (er, God)…couldn’t you have made it different? If you really want us all to be “saved” couldn’t you have made the path to salvation a little bit more within our nature?
God: Again with your logic…I’m telling you, logic only works when you are deciding which car you should buy…and even then, it’s not so good.
ME: Well in your illogical universe, how is killing babies and raping women okay? Because you supposedly told your people to do that. Is there any way you could explain the rationality behind that decision to me?
God: Oh, you go to Hell.
ME: That’s another thing! You’re the all-powerful god (er, God). What’s with the eternal suffering and gnashing of teeth and all that? I mean, conceivably, you could just discontinue the existence of non-believers. Wouldn’t that be a more reasonable-
God: I wasn’t kidding! You go to Hell, NOW!
(God zaps me with his lightning-bolt fingers and I fall into the depths of Hell)
ME (as I’m falling into Hell): God’s an asshoooooooooooooooole!
I actually went on to have quite a pleasant life in Hell. The place has gotten a lot of bad rep, but then again, so did Milwaukee and I loved it there. Satan’s a pretty cool gal (yeah, Satan’s a chick). She got sick of God calling all the shots and generally being a dick (who wouldn’t?) so she decided to bail. She’s turned Hell into a five-star resort, let me tell you…our minds are completely free here, we smoke the best pot and have better sex than you can possibly imagine. And EVERYONE in baseball uses steroids here, so the playing field is leveled out (at a much higher level).
Those suckers in heaven are slaving away for some jerk, and I’m down here having the time of my life. God existing is the greatest thing that ever happened to me.